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Creative writing … Meet Ivory !!

August 4, 2012 in Cheating, creative writing, decision making, family, fighting, Happiness, Honesty, kindness, Kissing, life, life changing, life choices, Loss, love, marriage, monogamy, partners, self journey, separation, Sex, work with 2 Comments

Something that I wrote up a few nights ago to go towards my book …. Please let me introduce you to Ivory ….

Ivory wasn’t sure what she believed in, not really, but she was definitely praying, putting it out there – asking for anyone’s help tonight.

‘Oh God, (whoever) please help me’ – her heart was pounding that hard, she could feel the blood pumping through her veins, she had lost all ability to actually be able to concentrate on one thought for too long … ‘this never happens to me’ she contemplated as she sat there, watching from the corner of her eye – gauging into the type of person he was when he let his guard down – when he thought no one was watching or maybe paying attention. She watched as he concentrated on the road, eyes alight taking everything in, with one hand on the steering wheel and the other to his side, lightly taping and moving, his hand running over the dark denim jeans that he wore so oh so well (yummy). His actions made him seem lost, listening to the rhythm of the sound that played from his car stereo.

She mused as he effortlessly moved a stray piece of his somewhat copperish, sandy brown curly hair out of his eyes – thinking to herself that it was a little longer than he usually kept it and how at that length it made him look almost boyish, innocent to some extent. Laughing at how her initial assessment of him was so far from right, how she had already made up her mind about him, honestly amused by how people, not just him, were still constantly challenging her.

Ivory smirked at herself, his hair may make him look young and innocent but he was far from it, his innocent eyes clouded by what she knew were his dark thoughts – they seemed to radiate from his every being.  Sitting next to her in his car, the sexual tension between them was electric. ‘Ha, innocent – seriously ivory, as if you have ever been attracted to innocent guys’ … She pondered on strings of thoughts that ran through her mind, ‘how did I get myself into this situation, every time life seems to be going well (boring!!)’ …

And what was going on with her?

Ivory was a self-confident, smart, sassy and (usually) well spoken women but around him she lost all train of thought, found herself walking away from him shaking her head wondering why she had just said that out loud and questioning her every judgment, whether it be what she had worn that day to what she found herself doing to get his attention. None of that mattered tonight, every action she had taken she was judging and now sitting there next to him in the car she could not even bring herself to open her mouth and have a normal conversation with him. ‘Where on earth did these nerves come from? I am not a nervous person’ Ivory thought to herself, ‘I am smart, confident and sexy – stop being silly, open your mouth and say something to him Ivory’ but no matter how hard she tried, words would not form in her mouth, instead her imagination wandered back to what had just happened between them.

The intensity had almost been too much to handle for her; the amount of will power she used to control the situation was amazing, even to her. But as she sat there wondering how much it would change things between them, she had no idea just how much it would change everything in her life ….

my controversial views on (my) relationships …

June 13, 2012 in bestfriends, celebrities, Cheating, creative writing, decision making, family, fighting, Happiness, Honesty, Kissing, life, life changing, life choices, Loss, love, marriage, monogamy, partners, self journey, separation, Sex, TV Shows with 1 Comment

While watching Sunrise yesterday morning, the team bought up a subject that I myself have questioned.

Now this post may get me in trouble with my current partner, although I know he knows how I feel as we discuss it often. I know that most of my readers (friends/family) do not think this way (I believe) and it may cause some people to become upset with me but please remember that this is just my view and I do not think that anyone else should feel/behave this way….

So the topic was about the tv show ‘packed to the rafters’ which aired the previous night. Now I do not watch the show (not since Mel died), nor did I watch it that night but I am a huge magazine fan (can we say totally addicted – thanks mum!) and I have read previously what happened. Apparently Dave (drunkenly) kissed a female co-worker who was not his wife (whose name escapes me at the moment)

On sunrise the team was divided between whether this was ok or not. Apparently Dave was the receiver, so the woman kissed him and he wanted to brush it off as just a drunken kiss but his wife was furious.

Most people I know would be furious that this happened as well.

Not me.

I am in the minority (that will admit to it) that do not feel this way. Now I can hear the snigger and harsh words already but please hear me out.
There are many things wrong with cheating on your partner and I am not condoning that. I have been cheated on before and I know how much that hurts, I have also cheated before and I know that the guilt can eat you up inside so that is not what I am saying.                                                                                                                                                                               
Rob and I have sat down many times and had this same discussion – I do not believe in the ‘happily forever after’ like most people do. (Yes, yes I realize that is probably one reason why my marriage did not work)

Rob however does. He believes in forever after and just to straighten things out – he does not condone drunken kissing or anything else besides me only kissing him.

So what exactly do I believe in then?
It is very hard to say exactly – it has taken years to figure out what I want/do not want in a relationship and the type of person I want to be with. And even today I still question how I feel but I guess that is human nature.

With divorce (my own included) being more and more popular today than lifelong marriage and from my own family upbringing (mum and dad/then step dad/then new step dad and my father also had/has 3 significant partners as well) (sorry mum/dad/step dad/new step dad to use you as an example without asking) but it feels (to me) that humans are not created to love just one. And that some may not love just one at one time.

Obviously each relationship is different…

Take my current relationship for example. What happens when you have 2 people in a relationship where one person believes very strongly that no relationship is forever and people are created to love more than once (and sometimes more than one at once) ?

And the other is the complete opposite?

My partner is very much a 2 person relationship – me and him only. He believes that love should last a lifetime and that partners should grow old together (which I believe as well) but he believes that once you are in a relationship that, that relationship is just for the two of you. And I absolutely love him for that. It makes him who he is.

I believe that two people who fall in love and have a strong enough foundation that they can build on and stand each other for the rest of their lives should most definitely grow old together, I also strongly believe that love should last a lifetime. Once you honestly open your heart to someone, show your vulnerable side and in return take a piece of their heart into yours then I do not think that you should ever let that go, no matter what happens.
When I think of all my relationships with people – the ones that have lasted a lifetime have been with my best friends. Nearly all of my actual sexual relationships have ended for some reason or another.
But there have been a few who I am still very close to and count as some of my best friends. Friends who will be in my life forever because of the foundation that was built while we were a part of each others life.

So if I believe the same as most people, what exactly am I saying?

Well I also very much believe in the laws of attraction. People everyday fall in love or lust for very different reasons. I know that no matter what type of relationship you are in, there is not one person out there who does not still get attracted to some one else, other than their current partner. It’s basic human nature.
The reasons that I (love) am attracted to my partner may be completely different to the reasons that I find the girl sitting across from me on the train attractive or the unbelievably smart guy from (the cafe near) work. To deny that you feel that attraction, to your partner, to yourself is the beginning of the end.

Most people (And I generalize here) always want what they can not have, “the grass is always greener on the other side” type thing and yes, I can hear you now saying that, that is what I am doing but if you remove the issue, that it is forbidden once in a relationship to be attracted and to be able to act on that attraction, it removes the want from behind it.

Now of course it only works if both partners feel the same way. It is about complete honesty and trust that your partner is completely honest and it’s about that foundation that I spoke about earlier.

So where does that leave Rob and I?

Well, we have that foundation. Rob is my best friend, the father of my daughter and the love I have for him is stronger than the attraction I feel for anyone else. Rob has never asked me to change my views or the way I feel and appreciates that this is what makes me who I am. We have recently spent 18 months apart from which both of us have grown and become better people. We share everything and I know what it feels like to be apart from him, I do not want that again. We both take it one step at a time and as long as we are both honest and open with each other and we both respect each other then we should be able to tackle anything together.

I can see us all old and grey, sitting on the porch still arguing away over nothing and everything…

Throughout all of this -I must reiterate that I am not condoning cheating. Like I said it is about honesty and before you can be honest with your partner you have to be honest with yourself. And cheating on someone who you love is not being honest to either.

I guess what I am saying is that I am a lover of love, of being in love, of falling in love and of finding new love as well.

Life, Love and Friendships …

March 23, 2012 in bestfriends, creative writing, life, love, marriage, self journey, separation with 0 Comments

I have been thinking about friendships and relationships a lot lately. A lot about myself (this feels like a reoccurring theme !!) Where I thought I would be – where I want to be. What I have given up and whether it has been worth it.

I have had a lot of friends during my time here, lost a lot of friends, given up on some friends and had friends given up on me. Both have been hard on me, both have hurt. I feel though that a lot of these lost friendships have happened in the last year. And some of the people who I have let go of, well – at least 2 of these people I thought would be in my life forever, no matter what happened.

Maybe this is all about growing up, growing up the hard way – I have always maintained that I am mature, that I don’t believe in all the silly things that the rest of my age group still believe in, like happily ever after and bff’s! But honestly who am I kidding – I had a friend in my life for the last 14 – 15 odd years, he was the first person I ever really fell in love with, the first person in my life that I trusted, forgave for everything, he was my first real boyfriend – lets just say he was my first for a lot of things. We went through everything together, no matter what happened in life, no matter the twists and turns (and there were a lot of those) he was my best friend. He knew how I was feeling by looking at my face, or the tone in my voice. He could read my eyes and tell when I needed him – even if we were not together. The same was reversed. I could be in another town or across the country and know when he needed me. I would have ‘him’ days – when every song on the radio would be a song that we claimed as our own (there were a lot) and just one phone call would put a permanent smile on my face for the rest of the day …. I loved him ! To me I always would – no matter what happened.

We had our differences, trust me, during our life time together we have had horrendous fights, fights that have last for 4 years without talking, arguments that have hurt worse than anything I have ever felt. But no matter what happened – I was always able to fight for our friendship, I believed it was worth anything. He always had the same argument, leave him be – he loved me in one way and if I couldn’t be with him in that way then he could not be in my life but I always managed to talk him back into my life. Our last fight happened recently – I went home on a holiday to visit – well him and my mum. I needed some home time.

As always it got to the point where it always does with us two. He wanted more than I was willing to give, we fought and I left. At the time I believed that it would settle down and once I was back home in WA, it would just be something that we talked through – I mean after 15 years, it’s not like we are not going to be in each others lives anymore. This fight was hardly anywhere near as big as some of the previous ones during our friendship.

I walked away when I got home.

I have never realised how completely unfair I have been to him for most of my/our life together. I HATE admitting when I am wrong, I hate that I joked about how much he loves me, I took it for granted because he has always been there, and god only knows if I have damaged him for someone else.

He is a great man, a kind, caring, loving, faithful man who I took for granted and basically used to make me feel better about myself. Not on purpose mind you, I loved him my whole life, I still love him but just not in the way that he has ever wanted me to. Maybe years ago I did.

So I walked away. I let him go.

I have not heard his voice for a month now and let me tell you it has been very hard on me, but compared to what I have put him through in the past my pain is something that I can bare.

It was his birthday recently and it is the first time since I have known him that I have not wished him a happy birthday. I did how ever think of him all day.

Friendships/Relationships are such a difficult subject to analyze – there are always two sides to every story, always another view to see it from. I guess I really started thinking about all the loss of friends in my life because recently I keep walking away from them, although in fairness I think with the last friendship we both walked away from each other.

It was not one of those great friendships like the first I just described. Honestly it wasn’t even a very long friendship.

Someone a little while ago told me that friends/ships are like riding on the train – some get on and are only there for a little while when needed and then they hop off again and others are besides you for your entire journey. I truly believe this and it makes so much more sense to me now than it ever did then.

Friendships should not be difficult. When just the thought of seeing someone is a dread, then its too draining. And while friendships may drain you from time to time it shouldn’t be like that all the time. Relationships and friendships should be beneficial to your well-being, they are there to support you, stand up for you, help you be a better person. They should be there for the whole bumpy ride, understand when you are down, and not berate you or put you down or tell you how much of a terrible person you are. If someone makes you feel bad about yourself when you are with them, then they should not be worth your time. People are not perfect and how boring would it be if we all were. But we should not have to apologise for being ourselves.

I am far from perfect but my faults and mistakes make for some interesting writing and teach me who I am.

A pity and waste of time….

November 5, 2011 in creative writing, decision making, family, fighting, life, life changing, life choices, Loss, love, marriage, self journey, separation with 2 Comments

Today I told my husband that I pity him.

And that the last year of my life has been a waste of time.

Neither of which is true.

I do not pity him – I am upset with him.

He is wasting his life in a small town, in a dead-end job and not living to his full potential.

But it is not my life, it is his and it makes me angry and upset that I can not change that.

And the last year of my life has not been a complete waste either.

While my marriage has fallen apart just shy of 1 year (which is less than 1 month away) I have met some amazing people whom I now call family, seen some amazing things and personally changed within myself.

Personal growth or journey of self discovery?

As I sit here typing this right now – I have come full circle.
I am on a mattress on the floor of my sisters spare bedroom, surrounded by everything I hold dear in life that would fit in the back of my car, clothes, shoes, jewelry, my laptop, my music and my daughter.
I have no job (yet), no house and very little money.
My nails are cracked, the polish is coming off, my hair is falling out (extensions) and the color is fading. Anyone who knows me will know how utterly devastating that is to me.

But I am happy here.

Tired – but happy.

I feel at home in this town, more so than my actual home town.

And I would not feel this way if the last year of my life had not have happened. Even as hard as it has been.

It is still hard, dealing with the left over hurt and pain caused from the destruction of an 11 month marriage and I doubt very highly that it will be something that I can easily move on from (see last written post) but I am trying.

If I am nothing more – I am a fighter. I will fight for my life and my right to be happy.
I will fight for my right to have someone stand next to me who belongs there and wants to fight with me.
I will fight for my daughters right to be happy.

Someone in my world has to fight for me – it may as well be me.

XX

How do I let go after I jump….?

November 4, 2011 in decision making, family, life, life changing, life choices, Loss, love, marriage, self journey, separation, Uncategorized with 2 Comments

I can not say that I wish someone had told me what was going to happen, before all of this happened .. Because someone did .. Actually everybody in my life did.
My childhood dream was far from being a 27-year-old mother to an (absolutely gorgeous) 27 month old child to one guy, married to another and separated from the both of them.

I fall in love way to easily, way too quickly and way too hard!

I know this, some of my close friends know this, but unfortunately until now I was the only one who did not think of it as a problem.

I jump from relationship to relationship.
I do not think I have been properly single since I was around 16 years old and even now I am still friends with my first ever boyfriend.

And that I believe is my problem right there – not that it is him, but that after I jump I do not know how to let go.

How do you stop loving someone you have given yourself to, just because a part of each other does not work together?

When I am with someone and I fall in love, I fall in love wholly and forever. I fall in love with who they are as a person and how they affect me. So there are a few people who I have not let go of and now one that I am struggling with.

Like I said previously I am married and separated, we have only been married for 11 months. While that is going to shock most of you, the shocking part is we were only together for 6 weeks before we got married.
Did I mention earlier that I fall in love very quickly…?

It is not that we were not in love when we got married, we were. Passionate love, Crazy love, Romantic love – the kind where you come home from work to a romantic dinner and dance in the kitchen to Michael Buble over a glass of gorgeous wine … That kinda love… your own bubble love… where it would not matter if the Queen herself had said she did not think it was a good idea to get married so quickly – you would not have heard her.

And we didn’t – I remember sitting on the floor of the kitchen with this person I had met over 8 years ago and we had been reconnected through circumstance and thinking – this is it – this is how true love and great marriages start – spontaneity and quick and great love stories are born from this….

Of course every person that we both knew was level-headed and worried and all had their own opinion. We listened to them all and swore to them and to ourselves that we knew what we were doing. HE loved my daughter; and his mother was the most amazing person I had met – so screw what the world thought – we got each other!!!

He could hold the most intelligent conversations and made me laugh like I hadn’t in such a long time. He looked at me differently and I felt so wrapped up in this childhood love. We loved the same love songs and he introduced me to music that touched my soul and my heart. He challenged my every way of thinking and made me face my past.

If it was not for him I still would not be writing today.

Everything was fantastic between us, even right up until the wedding … The quick organisation of the wedding and all the plans only bought us closer, our friends chose sides over what was right and wrong in their eyes and to this day I still maintain that we made the right decision to show our love to the world.
Our wedding set up was amazing, honestly like something out of a fairy fantasy… It was country, small, intimate, amazingly everything that I wanted.. all the right little details. Candles, flowing chiffon from the ceilings, tin roof, amazing food and flowing champagne… But there was none of my actual friends… Not the real ones and no one I knew who would have an opinion on what I was doing that would hurt me…..

Cracks appeared as quickly as we fell in love …
We lived two different lives, in two different towns with two very different agendas.
He was at uni chasing his childhood dream and I had just moved back to my home town after 6 years of trying to get back there.
And in an instance all of that changed – we moved to a small town, we both gave up things neither of us were ready for and we jumped head first into something that neither of us had thought through properly.
I lost friends, fought with family members and he had just as many problems from the outside world.

We both changed into people neither of us liked, destructive, critical but ultimately unhappy.
We didn’t talk to each other, we refused to listen and it all just fell apart as quickly as it began.

And I did what I know how to do – I ran.
Back to my mumma’s, where it was safe and I pushed as hard as I could and shoved everything into a small locked box surrounded by brick walls inside my head and pretended that everything was fine in my life.
Like I wasnt going through one of the hardest times in my life alone. Like I didn’t make an unbelievably life changing decision without thinking it through, and then that it just fell apart while I wasnt looking.

Like BAM! It was over.

And he let it go oh so easily it seems.

And now I am stuck with how to let him go.

While he walks so freely.

I am stuck with this childhood dream; that I was going to marry my Prince Charming and everything would work out perfectly forever after.

But in real life it is not so forever after.

I have moved back to WA and for the most part I am happy, my daughter is happy, but I can not for the life of me seem to let go of my marriage as easily as he seems to have. Or as easily as I would like.

I walk around with his name in my head, his smell on my clothes and his songs in my car.

Life is hard, really hard – emotionally hard, I know this, everyone knows this but I still I cling to relationships so much, even to those that are not right for me, those that make me crazy.

Ciaran and I are two very different people, in two very different places in life and my head knows this but my heart is still pulling on my vows and the promises that we made in front of God and our witnesses.

In this age, people walk away so easily and it seems like no one fights for what they promise but in the end – how much heartache do we really deserve and who is to say how much each heart can put up with ….

Someone needs to write a book or email me a link of how to say goodbye and mean it, how to stop the heart from hurting.

How to let go after I have jumped.